I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
