We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Enjoy the penises
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
