Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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