Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
