My sheets look like a crime scene.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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