I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
