just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
