Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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