I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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