Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
