Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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