ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
