You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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