he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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