you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
