Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
