Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
is that a dick in a sweater?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
