I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
