Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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