you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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