Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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