Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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