If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
