Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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