FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
