Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
