Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
