Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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