Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
