At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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