I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
sarcasm needs its own font
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
