I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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