I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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