Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
