woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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