You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
