I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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