no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
