she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
3pm strippers are depressing
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
