i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
