Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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