Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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