my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
