You can't special order awesome
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
