Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
