ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
