So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
