He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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