I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
