I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
