One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
