God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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